WARNING: 17 Reasons to Avoid Kettlebells

CAUTION, Use at your own risk (and yes, this is irony).

1. Too Dangerous

As of yet, there are no kettlebells rigged up to a machine that will save you from hurting yourself. You’ve got to support the kettlebell’s weight all by yourself — without a chair to sit on. You could drop the kettlebell on your foot — or worse, your head. And if you hurt yourself, who are you going to blame?

2. It’s Just a Fad

Don’t worry, next year there will be some other trendy gadget to replace kettlebells. It’s all advertising hype. All the results people are getting is just the placebo effect.

3. Too Much Concentration

Can’t watch TV while doing it. Can’t read a book. Can’t talk on your cell phone, either, while training with kettlebells. These things are important to help you disengage from your body so that you can endure the boredom of meaningless exercise.

4. Too Ugly

Usually just black cast iron. Dull, not shiny. There are no ‘designer-style’ kettlebells that look really good sitting around your house. To make them interesting, you have to go to the trouble to paint them yourself.

5. Too Old-Fashioned

Kettlebells are several hundred years old, and still, no one has made improvements to them. With all the modern technology available, why would you want to miss out on all that science and late night infomercials can offer?

6. Will Hurt Your Low Back

Don’t believe all the lies from the many, many people who claim that learning to swing a kettlebell cured their low back pain. Have you seen these guys & gals swinging those heavy things? Common sense says that’s got to hurt your back.

7. Everybody’s Not Doing It

If they were so good, the government would have told us they were important and put them in all the schools. The elite athletes and special military forces that used them wouldn’t be so secretive, or so afraid of losing their reputations by admitting they use kettlebells.

8. Too Much Learning

You can’t just pick one up and start slinging it around — that is, unless you like orthopedic surgery. You have to actually learn many things about how to use your body to be stronger, more athletic, and more resilient. Public schools would have made us learn all this if it was really important.

9. Too Embarrassing

What if someone saw you? Can you imagine what you would look like swinging that cast iron ball between your legs? Thrusting your hips like that? Grunting with ‘power breathing’? Over and over again? It’s just not something for polite company.

10. Too Challenging

Think about this a minute — kettlebells are claimed to work strength, cardio, AND flexibility at the same time. Aren’t we already stressed out enough multi-tasking so much? Every move with the kettlebell requires whole body integration. Don’t you think that’s overdoing it? Asking way too much?

11. Too Intense

Your heart rate will soar in only a few minutes. You won’t last but 10 or 15 minutes. Getting your workout done in so short a time may make it hard for you to get out of finally getting around to cleaning up that cluttered garage.

12. Hand Damage

There is no rubber padding on the kettlebell handle, so you might get a callus . . . or worse, a blister. You are forced to learn to handle the kettlebell properly to avoid bleeding hands and that rough, gravelly handshake.

13. Reduces Your Credibility

Kettlebells are so convenient, portable, space-saving and time-savng, it’s just too hard to convince someone else that you have good reasons for being out of shape.

14. Too Hard

Kettlebells make you sweat. They are heavy. They make you sweat — alot. Your hair might get mussed up. Might have to breathe hard. Did I mention they make you sweat? Why put up with that?

15. Too Much Like Bruce

You may hear that kettlebells forge a body that’s more like Bruce Lee, rather than Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’m not sure why they think all of us would want to be so short or have slanty eyes.

17. They Came from Russia

Why some people admire the Russians I have no idea. The only reason their athletes used to whoop our tails is because of steroids and compulsory training from an early age. The only reason Russia’s soldiers were so tough is because they were born and raised in the hardships of a backward, communism-ruined country. Because they used kettlebells had nothing to do with it.

When Americans went into space, the astronauts realized that they couldn’t write upside-down with a pen in no-gravity outer space. NASA spent a million dollars to develop a pen that would write upside down, without gravity. Isn’t that great?
What did the Russians do? They used a pencil!

NOTE: With all due respect, what the Russian’s forget is that when you write with a pencil in zero gravity you inhale carbon. They corrected this eventually. The point remains: the simple, practical, back-to-basics approach is valued.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is meant to be facetious, a back-handed compliment in some sense. The kettlebell is just a tool — it’s how you move with it that makes the difference between getting better in every way or creating dysfunction leading to injury.

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